Surprised by Motherhood

I always knew I’d love my baby but loving being a mom has been the surprise

Independent and fast paced is how I’ve always functioned. 

Having a baby would slow my natural cadence and limit my independence I knew,  because suddenly there would be a tiny human  biologically dependent on me.

But his dependence actually came as a sweet and unexpected gift to learn a new pace, a new rhythm, a new ‘Mer’ that I didn’t know was inside of me. 

Never realizing how fiercely independent I was until Jack was born, I have certainly felt the pinch & growing pains of this new season. 

But nothing has been lost. 

I didn’t lose my independence to motherhood. 

I didn’t lose myself in becoming a mom. 

Nothing was taken away from me. 

It’s changed and shifted, old parts of me have fallen away & new parts of me I didn’t even know existed have emergence in new & beautiful ways. 

I always knew I’d love my baby but loving being a mom has been the surprise

Soft yet Strong, Vulnerable yet Powerful

One year ago, I quietly closed the front door after a full nights work. Slipping out of my uniform & into the bathroom, I turned on the faucet of the sink, waiting for warm water to begin to trickle out.

The box of unopened pregnancy tests sat on the counter & I’d promised myself I wouldn’t take another. I had already taken a small fortunes worth of tests that week, hoping and praying for 2 pink lines, one word to flash across the screen instead of two.

We’d try again next month I conceded. Another negative test would only feel more disappointing so I reasoned I was protecting myself by not taking just one more.

But then I did anyway.

Bare feet on the cold tile floor, standing at the sink brushing my teeth, my heart lurched inside of me when the test resulted.

It’s a moment the splits yours life in two, before and after.

The you you always knew will never be the same. But someone new, something new, just like the new life inside of you.

The disappointment I tried to protect my heart from that day, in an attempt to keep it safe, is a fraction of what’s at stake from the moment you learn you’ll be a mother.

You become vulnerable in the most frightening ways, you become helpless in the worst of ways.

But you become strong in the most beautiful of ways, you become a mother in every way.

Tomorrow morning when I get home from a long nightshift, I’ll quietly close the front door, slip out of my uniform wash my face & brush my teeth.

Before I crawl into bed I’ll lean over the bassinet nearby & kiss the sweetest cheeks of the baby inside.

Soft but strong. Vulnerable yet powerful. I am a mother

Birth Story

Little backstory, I went into preterm labor around 26 weeks. I had no idea at the time because it was just a lot of back pain which I had been experiencing my whole pregnancy and seeing a chiropractor for so I just thought I was due for an adjustment. Turns out it wasn’t just back pain and the contractions had actually caused me to efface to 50% at 26 weeks. So starting then I went on an activity restriction and pelvic rest of the next 6 weeks and was seeing my midwife weekly to monitor for anymore changes. At my 33 week appointment I had dilated to 1cm and my cervix was really soft so we were preparing that we may have a baby sooner rather then later although we were hoping and praying he’d stay put until term. He was sitting pretty low in my pelvis at that point (so much so that you could see the outline of his head!) and I was having lots of lower back discomfort but no contractions. I was working a string of night shifts and went to bed one morning after getting off work and when I woke up that afternoon to get ready to go back in and he was sitting a lot higher in my belly than he had been and all the pain and discomfort had dissipated. At my appointment the next day, just shy of 34 weeks, turns out our little guy flipped breech. Babies are so intuitive and our bodies are smart. It makes me wonder if he knew he wasn’t ready to come out into the world and flipped himself around so he’d stay put awhile longer.  

Since finding out he had flipped and was breech, I had been doing everything (spinning babies, seeing a Webster certified chiropractor, even tried moxibustion [read about it, it’s crazy but it works!]) to get him to flip, but he was staying put. With the snow and ice storm that hit Nashville, I missed my 35 weeks  appointment so I was anxious to go for my 36 weeks appointment. The night before my appointment, I went to bed around 9pm and woke up at midnight with really intense back pain and feeling nauseous. I got up, did some stretches, walked around, but nothing seemed to help. Justin was awake too and came upstairs to see if I needed anything. He asked me if I thought I was in labor and I quickly dismissed him and told him no way. I secretly thought that I might be, but since I had my appointment that morning, my plan was to try to go back to bed and wait to see what she said. At that time I wasn't having any regular contractions, just really uncomfortable with low back pain so I went back to bed and was able to fall asleep. I had planned to go to the gym at 5am that morning before my appointment and told myself after waking up overnight that if I didn't feel good, I wouldn’t go but when I woke up I didn't feel so bad. So I went and worked out, did power snatches and overhead squats and thought nothing of it which is hilarious looking back now. 

Knowing that he was breech, we had already made a game plan and scheduled a version (a procedure to flip the baby) to be done the following Tuesday, hoping that it would be successful. If the version wasn't successful, then the plan was rather than electing to go ahead and schedule a C-section at 39 weeks, I would wait to go into labor naturally and see if he would flip with contractions. When I went to my appointment that morning, my midwife checked me and I was 2cm dilated. Even though I wasn't having regular or strong contractions, she thought it would be smart for me to go for a fetal non-stress test to monitor his heart rate to ensure he wasn’t’ in any distress and there was no umbilical cord compression that would disrupt blood flow and oxygen to him.

After being on the tocodynamometer (TOCO or the monitor they use to assess contractions and fetal heart rate) for 30 minutes it turned out I was having regular contractions, but still at this time I wasn't in a lot of pain, just uncomfortable, which at that point in pregnancy, I don't think any woman would say that she is comfortable. His heart rate was great which was reassuring when when they checked my cervix again, I had dilated to 3cm within that hour so they sent me to the hospital to rule out preterm labor (I was 36 weeks & 5 days) and for further observation.

After being monitored for several hours at the hospital, it was decided that I would be admitted because my contractions continued to get regular and stronger, and I was continuing to dilate and efface. Things got real when the midwife checked me around shift change and said “I don't think you’ll be leaving the hospital without a baby in your arms.” That was when any part of my brain that was still in denial that I was actually in labor and that this might be happening, switched on and it was go time.

We made phone calls to friends and family. Justin ran home to grab some things, knowing that we would be there for the next few days and not knowing what we were in for since he was still a little bit early and breech. 

After shift change, I was officially admitted and moved to a labor and delivery room. The night shift attending physician, midwife, nurse and  whole team made their rounds and we discussed a plan.

The biggest concern we all had was that my water would break and it would result in a prolapsed cord, which is an emergency and would quickly escalate things that were otherwise ok. Even with regular contractions that were getting stronger and continuing to progress (5cm and 90% effaced at 11pm) he still remained breech and wasn’t flipping on his own so we decided to attempt the version and see if he would turn.

My whole pregnancy and the season of life that we were currently walking through had required us to live every day with open hands, relinquishing our plans and the control that we so desperately grasp at in surrender. Our prayer throughout that entire afternoon and evening was that God would continue to help us maintain that posture of open hands, whatever the next several hours held and with however our son needed to come into the world. We prayed for wisdom and discernment, and that he would declare himself. As parents you want to make the wisest and most informed decision and protect your child. I went from wanting a very minimal intervention birth (laboring at home, no epidural, an uncomplicated vaginal delivery) to looking ahead at potentially every intervention in the book, being preterm labor, having a breech baby, version procedure and potentially it all ending in a C-section. 

God was so gracious to us that every step along the way, we really were able to maintain this posture of open hands, relinquishing control over that, which we ultimately had no control over and trust him with the birth of our son.

Just before midnight, the anesthesia and OB team came to the bedside to prepare for the version. We decided that we would attempt it 3 times as long as he wasn’t in any distress. The first two attempts were unsuccessful and something in me just felt like right before we started the third attempt that he wasn't going to flip and that he didn't want to. We had done an ultrasound and he had lots of space and plenty of amniotic fluid. There seemed to be no reason why he couldn't or wouldn't flip. 

But my prayer leading up to the version was that if flipping would cause cord compression or some other complication that will put him at risk, that he, that we, that my body and his tucked snuggling inside mine still, would know, that it would be intuitive enough to know not to flip. 

On the third attempt, his heart rate dropped into the 70s and the room was silent as we all held our breath, waiting for it to come back up. It's strange being the patient and being on the other side of things. I’ve stood on the other side in rooms like that too many times where procedures go awry and already tenuous saturation takes a down turn. His heart rate did come back up and aside from his first cry, that heart beating may be the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard. 

After his heart came back up, Justin and I looked at each other and we knew it was time to go to the OR for a C-section. He had declared himself and he needed to come into the world via C-section. Since his heart rate had come back up and stabilized we had a few minutes before rolling back to the OR just to ourselves. For the next 10 minutes, after all the nurses & doctors left the room, we just sat there holding hands, tears filling our eyes, cherishing our last few minutes together, just the two of us, before we welcomed our son into the world. We first met 17 years ago, dated for 6 years & now married for 8. Just the two of us was all we’d ever known & there was something inexplicably sweet knowing these were the last few moments it would ever be ‘just us.’ Holding our hands open once more we, we thanked God for his goodness, his providence, his graciousness, his protection, and the sweetest gift that we were about to receive.

We rolled back to the OR around 2am and I laid there on the operating room table with my arms out palms up with open hands. I felt so fitting and right that this was literally the physical posture of my body as our son came into the world.

At 2:24 AM Jack Reasons Boggs came feet first into the world, kicking and screaming, wide-eyed with a head of brown hair. They laid them up on my chest and I looked into his deep steel blue eyes through the clear drape and all the cliches are true. You’ve never known love like that until you meet your baby for the first time earthside. Shortly after they closed me up we were taken back to our room where I held him against my chest and we got to be together for the first time as a family of 3. Justin was a rockstar throughout the whole process as the best teammate I could’ve ever asked for. I still can’t believe we get to spend the rest of our lives raising our little boy together